Here’s the story:
8-year-old Jenny says she doesn’t want to see her other parent anymore. “He’s
mean” or “She yells a lot.” Jenny’s mom and dad are newly divorced. Jenny seems
depressed and each parent blames the other. One of them says Jenny is just
fine. The other says she is developing a mental disorder because of the other
parent’s deficiencies. Both could be right…or wrong. One parent decides Jenny
needs therapy. Of course, the therapist will help Jenny be happy again, or
maybe discover that Jenny’s other parent is a narcissist, and wouldn’t that be
good for the court case? Because of course the therapist would have to say
something to the court…wouldn’t she?
There are a couple of problems with this story. Number one, Jenny is 8. She
will be depressed because her parents are going through a divorce. When you are
8, or 18 for that matter, the reasons for divorce don’t make any sense.
Counseling when a child is reacting normally to a life event can sometimes do
more harm than good. Suddenly, Jenny is the one with a problem, instead of
admitting that Jenny’s mom and dad have created a problem and she simply needs
some love and understanding. But then there’s the idea that a therapist is
going to step in, make Jenny feel a lot better (which might happen if Jenny has
a lot to talk about), and discover the reasons for Jenny’s depression is the
other parent (which also might be right). That’s where the story gets
complicated. Even if the therapist thinks that Jenny’s dad is a narcissist or
her mom is possibly bipolar, Jenny’s therapist can’t do a thing about that!
She’s Jenny’s therapist and must keep
everything Jenny says to her confidential, while she simply helps her with
coping skills. But why not just sign a release so that the therapist can
violate Jenny’s trust?
Here’s the reality. Therapists have an ethical obligation – especially to
children – to protect not only their client’s mental health but to maintain
their trust. Unless that therapist has been ordered by the court to be in an
evaluative role, or one in which abuse is alleged and the court needs
information to protect the child, a therapist should not go to court and talk
about what a child has revealed in therapy, even with the child’s permission. I
have been on the witness stand and the questions that get posed by attorneys
can cause a therapist to say things that she and the child never agreed to.
It’s just too risky. Additionally, therapists should be very careful about
getting involved with a child during a pending court case. Kids, especially
older ones, are well aware that there is a court case pending; which means they
are also aware that one parent doesn’t want them to talk to the therapist,
while the other one does. So, now the therapy itself becomes a mechanism in
which the child is further placed in the middle of the co-parent conflict.
Therapists should be a helping professional, not one who becomes part of the
problem.
I have used a lot of “shoulds” in this post, but I also recognize there are
exceptions to every rule. However, I want to caution all parents, divorce
professionals, and officers of the court to not just assume all therapists
understand high-conflict divorce cases. It’s a specialty that those of us who
do it have trained for years to understand. Just because someone is on your insurance
plan doesn’t make them qualified for the kind of work it takes to protect
children from the business of divorce (and it is a business). The AFCC
(Association of Family and Conciliation Courts) has published guidelines for
court-involved therapists. It can be found at: https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PublicDocuments/CEFCP/Guidelines%20for%20Court%20Involved%20Therapy%20AFCC.pdf
When looking for a therapist to work with children in divorce cases, ask them
if they are aware of the AFCC organization or their guidelines. If they say no,
chances are they have not been trained by the experts in this field. I also
recommend that all divorce professionals (including judges and attorneys)
become members of the AFCC, as it is the only organization that brings together
judges, attorneys, guardians, therapists, and anyone else who works with this
population, to share ideas and formulate policies that are respected and used
worldwide.
If you are a parent needing reliable, evidenced-based information about
divorce, custody, divorce professionals, etc., visit https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Reso.urces-for-Families.
You may discover that Jenny doesn’t need a therapist, but that you and the
other parent have some difficult work ahead of you to allow her to just be a
kid.
Let’s Just Call a Therapist
