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GASLIGHTED. “WHAT THE…?!”
It’s been a while since I divorced my children’s father – 34 years, to be exact. Since that time, I have made a career out of helping co-parents strive for peace. But when that kind of time goes by, you can lose sight of how it feels to be in the middle of the kind…
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Cut It Out! Radical Resistance in Family Litigation
For the last three decades, I have worked in the field of high-conflict divorce, mostly as a therapist and parenting coordinator, and often as an advocate. I calculated once that I had been in front of more than 50,000 parents when I taught the court-ordered divorcing parents seminar for 18 years. I have mediated over…
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UNPACKING PARENTAL ALIENATION WITH CHILDREN IN MIND
The feelings of children needing to split their loyalties with their parents may begin during the parents’ relationship or marriage.
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SHOULD YOU TAKE YOUR CO-PARENT CONFLICT TO COURT? MAYBE NOT.
Family courts are designed to settle legal matters concerning families when the families can’t settle them on their own. Settling is an interesting word. It does not mean in a way that satisfies everyone, nor does it mean fairness. I’ve been doing this work for decades, and I’ve never talked to a parent who took…
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Are Co-Parents Teaching Resilience?
As more and more children experience high-conflict co-parenting, they not only get caught in the middle of conflict, but also in the middle of coddling. Why are high-conflict co-parents prone to coddling their children? Because they fear not being the preferred parent. They honestly fear losing their children to the wiles and ways of the…
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WHAT MAKES LIFE IMPOSSIBLE FOR A CHILD OF DIVORCE?
PARENT SAYS: Your mom is a liar. That is not what happened! CHILD THINKS: If mom is a liar, then what does that make me? Everyone says I am just like my mom. And how do I know who is telling the truth? Are both my parents liars? PARENT SAYS: You know that I love…
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Let Them Be Orange!
Kids who live with high-conflict co-parents often report feeling what we call the “chameleon effect,” requiring them to take on the ideas, attitudes, opinions, etc. of each home, so they can get each parent’s approval. This can work quite well and help kids survive their relationships with both parents. In fact, learning to be a…
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WHY ASKING WHY IS UNPRODUCTIVE
Loss like death, divorce, estrangement, etc. can be traumatic when there is no clear reason why. Especially in a difficult separation or divorce, because we are convinced the person who left or betrayed us is withholding the answer to the “Why?” Although co-parents believe they could have peace if they had the answer to why…
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FIVE WAYS TO KEEP YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THE MIDDLE
If you and your co-parent are high conflict, I guarantee your children know it and suffer for it. You cannot control how your co-parent behaves, but you can ensure you are not contributing to your children’s suffering. Here are five simple ways: 1. Don’t have co-parent conversations (in-person, phone, email or text), in the presence…
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Learning the Long Game
Parenting is hard. Co-parenting is harder. Either way, it’s not about absolutes and is definitely not black and white. It’s about a series of choices along a sometimes lonely road. Do I stop here and rest or do I act swiftly? Which action benefits my child in the present versus what impacts her future? How…
