One
of the biggest parenting mistakes you can make is in how you respond to your
child’s questions or statements about divorce or your co-parent. Too often,
parents engage in defensive or factual answers that don’t get at what the child
really cares about. Here are a few examples:
“Mom said that if you stop paying child support we might have to move to
California.”
Wrong response: “I am so paying child support! What do you mean
your moving to California? Over my dead body!”
Better response: “Hmmm. It sounds like you might be worried about
one of those things. Tell me what bothers you about what your mom told you.
“Dad said I’m going to be spending more time with him and go to a new
school next year. Is that true?”
Wrong response: “He better not be thinking about changing custody
again. I am so tired of spending all my hard-earned money on court cases! You
don’t really want to go to a new school, do you?”
Better response: “Your father and I haven’t talked about anything
like that yet. I’ll mention it to him, but I’m more concerned about how you
feel about what he said. Tell me what worries you.”
My favorite: “Dad, when the divorce is final, are you going to
date?”
Wrong response: “Oh no way! I will never date again because look
what happened to your mom and me?!”
Better response: “That’s an interesting question. What if I do
decide to date? Can you tell me what you might be worried about?”
Until you know WHY the child is asking a question or making a statement, you
are likely to give the wrong response. What if your child is hoping you will
date so he/she doesn’t have to keep you company all the time? What if she is
worried about having an evil step-parent or concerned that your dating will
interfere with her time with you? Don’t assume. Instead, respond to their
statements/questions with a question that addresses the child’s needs, not
yours. Then reassure them about the future based on what they tell you.
Notice that the wrong responses turn the conversation toward the parent’s
feelings, while the better responses seek to discover how the child might be
worried, afraid or concerned. Think about those three words (WAC) whenever your
child approaches you with a statement or question that is difficult for you to
hear. You can’t go wrong when you focus on how your child is processing
information, but you are destined to fail if you make it about your own
feelings. Kids are smart and will trust the parent who cares about what matters
to them. You have to ask in order to know.
Asking the Right Questions
