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So Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Visit the Other Parent…
In Georgia, the law is written so that if a 14-year-old child desires to live primarily with one parent in a divorce case, that desire is honored unless a judge can find a reason why that choice is not in his/her best interests. It’s a little stickier if a 14-year-old declares he or she does…
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The phone! The phone!
One of the most contentious subjects I deal with when working with high-conflict parents is phone communication with the children. Calls to the children should be a pleasant experience for THEM – a reminder that both parents care – and should not put children in the center of the battle. Here are some rules I…
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The Simple Truths
I’ve been doing a lot of research lately to update my knowledge, as well as to enhance the required parenting classes we teach for the courts. I can report that no major changes have emerged since the last time I did this, but there are a couple of points worth reiterating that make a difference…
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Accusing and Defending Don’t Work!
Many co-parents think that they must defend themselves against the accusing words of their ex. When I ask a parent why they feel they have to respond to lies or accusations, they often say, “Because it’s not true!” That may be the case, however, it’s the defense that keeps the conflict alive. Our culture seems…
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Avoid Divorce Story-Telling with Your Kids
Elizabeth Loftus, a psychology and law professor at the University of Washington, has been researching the topic of memory since the 1970s. In talking about how selective memory is, Loftus says, “You remember things in selective ways so your memory conforms to how you wish the past was.” If that’s true, and we are trying to justify why…
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Court Order Discrepancies
Court orders for parenting plans often include vague concepts and confusing or contradictory information that can create conflict, even though they are designed to reduce it. As a result, I hear way too many stories in which parents force their interpretation of the parenting plan by asserting their “legal rights.” Although I respect legal rights…
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Three Struggles with Two Homes
Kids with separated or divorced parents feel differently about their parents’ conflict than kids whose parents fight but stay together. For starters, kids of divorce know full well the destruction that conflict causes in their family (after all, it destroyed their parents’ marriage), so they tend to be hypersensitive to divorce conflict and worry and…
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Boundaries
It is said that some kids never grow up, yet the flip side of that is many grow up too soon. Those who live with high-conflict co-parents often experience the worst of both scenarios. Too often, one parent is overly indulgent, trying to buy the love of the child, while the other is so insecure…
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Opinions
Opinions. They abound in co-parent relationships, but are often a huge cause of conflict. Although you have a right to share your opinions about your child’s welfare (and only about your child’s welfare), it’s best to ask yourself WHAT you hope to achieve by sharing an opinion. If you just want to be right or…
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Focus on Feelings, not Just Facts
Answering children’s questions about what is happening with their parents’ separation or divorce can be tricky. “Where am I going to live after the divorce?” is a valid question, but a parent is often tempted to give only a factual response. If parents address the facts without addressing the feelings, they are likely to miss…
